Relationships

October 23, 2016 By Suruchi Saini

Social Media and Personal Relationships

The first installment in the three-part series on how social media affects our health covered the potential negative aspects to our mental health that excessive social media use can yield. This post will explore how the rise of social media has affected personal relationships and what we can do to ensure that we foster fulfilling and meaningful relationships in our hyper-connected world.

How Social Media Has Changed Relationships

Social media, mainly in the form of Facebook, has changed how we interact and communicate with each other at societal and personal levels. By enabling us to connect in a very personal way to long-lost acquaintances, friends, and extended family, our personal lives are easily accessible to anyone within our network.

The average Facebook user has 338 friends. A Gallup poll in 2011 showed that the average American has only nine friends they would consider “close”.

This discrepancy means that the vast majority of our social media connections are superficial. The danger of this is that being connected to so many people who don’t provide any level of fulfillment can be a terrible substitute for deep relationships.

In addition, using Facebook to connect with a friend or family member can prevent meaningful communication from taking place. Instead of a direct phone call, a text message, an email, or a handwritten letter (if you’re old-fashioned), we now simply check our friends’ profile pages. We’ll see where they live and what their life updates are, and we’ll glance through a few pictures.

Aside from “liking” a post or picture, or perhaps writing a comment, that’s the extent of the interaction. This is how “being connected” can breed loneliness.

Social Media and Intimate Relationships

The positive and negative effects social media has on intimate relationships are tougher to fully understand. This is because different generations use social media differently, and online behavior among couples can vary considerably.

A number of studies have been done to determine how social media affects intimate relationships, and one thing is certain: excessive social media use by one part of a couple can lead to problems in the relationship. This can include the partner who is not online feeling excluded.

For older couples who are secure in their marriages, Facebook is less of a problem and more of a connection tool to extended family. However, the younger the couple and the shorter the relationship, the more that excessive Facebook use can breed insecurity, jealousy, or suspicion on behalf of one or both partners.

Is There an Upside?

There are, of course, benefits to using social media such as promoting businesses, getting in touch with long-lost friends, and more. The question is how to use it to create fulfilling, meaningful relationships.

There are steps we can take to make sure we take advantage of the relationship-building benefits of social media without experiencing the negative effects, and those include:

Limiting the amount of time we spend on social media
Communicating directly with friends to ask questions about their lives instead of periodically checking their profile pages
Being careful about what we self-disclose to our social network and remembering that whatever we post can potentially be seen by hundreds of people
Being transparent with our romantic partners about our social media activities

With a mindful approach, social media can improve our relationships and connect us with long-lost friends and family members. However, if we’re not careful, excessive and incorrect social media use can lead us to feeling disconnected and lonely as well as negatively impact our personal relationships.

October 9, 2016 By Suruchi Saini

Effects of Social Media on Mental Health

Suruchi Saini, MA, LPC, NCC, CCTP — Suruchi in meditation pose

Social media has changed the way humans communicate and relate to each other in a significant way. Facebook enables us to connect with high school classmates or extended family in order to stay up-to-date on their lives. Pinterest allows us to discover new ideas related to our interests. Twitter is a global conversation about every topic imaginable. LinkedIn connects professionals and enables prospective employees and employers to learn more about each other. Instagram shares our lives through pictures.

So what’s the downside of these new ways to relate with our friends and family? According to studies, social media use can be considerably detrimental to our mental health.

To understand why, it’s important to think about why we use social media in the first place. While the practicality of connecting with friends and family is the most obvious reason, psychologists have found that our need to “self-disclose” aspects of our lives stems from the same reward system in our brain that makes us feel good while eating food or having sex.

If you write a post on Facebook to announce a new job or post photos of your latest vacation, for example, you wait for “likes”. The more likes you get, the happier, more validated and more important you’re likely to feel. If you fail to get many likes, however, you may feel the opposite.

Social media has specific effects on depression, anxiety, and narcissism that originate beyond mere disappointment over a lack of “likes”, however.

Depression

Facebook, being the most popular social media platform, is used as an “image management” platform, according to psychologists. We use it as a sort of personal public relations page to represent who we are to hundreds of friends, family members, and acquaintances. Studies show there’s a correlation between depression and how extensively Facebook is used to manage our image. So the more time and effort you put into carefully updating your profile page, the more depressed you are likely to be.

However, the severity of depression related to Facebook use depends on how it’s used. Studies show that the more interactive the experience is on Facebook, the less depressing it is. Alternatively, more passive browsing of other people’s profiles or the “news feed” leads to more symptoms of depression.

This makes sense: browsing through other people’s “highlight reels” can cause us to compare our lives to theirs. Inevitably, our lives seem less fulfilling or successful. We fail to take into account the fact that few people show their failures or struggles in such a public way.

Anxiety

Smartphones allow us to access our social media networks anytime, anywhere. This convenience has enabled compulsive behavior.

Social media users of all ages, but especially younger generations, are checking their social media profiles very frequently. Anxiety stems from any interruption or impediment to being able to check social media. An interesting and common symptom of this anxiety is “phantom vibration syndrome”, where people report feeling vibrations from their cell phone even when it’s not in their pocket.

Narcissism

Narcissism is a trait associated with self-importance, fantasies of unlimited power, vanity, excessive self-promotion, and failure to form meaningful relationships. Obviously, social media is a perfect place for somebody with narcissistic personality disorder to flourish.

While those suffering from such a disorder tend to feel happier with increased social media use, it actually exacerbates their condition. In users without the disorder, excessive social media use can contribute to increased narcissism.

Social Media in Moderation

Like most things in life, negative effects can mostly be avoided with mindfulness and moderation. Be aware of how and why you use social media. Also remember that nothing can replace face-to-face interaction with our friends and family members.

August 13, 2016 By Suruchi Saini

Nobody’s Perfect, and That’s Awesome!

According to Noah Webster, “perfectionism” is “a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.”

While not inaccurate, the dictionary definition does not convey the full depth of the word, its connotations both positive and negative.

In this two-part series, we will look at the different types of perfectionism, how they manifest, signs and symptoms of perfectionism, and how to cope with the consequences that can stem from negative perfectionism.

Is Perfectionism Good or Bad?

Perfectionism is considered by some to be an asset, a healthy motivational tool that helps people achieve success at the highest levels be it in the boardroom, on a Broadway stage, or on an Olympic track.

Conversely, it is deemed by others—including an increasing number of doctors, therapists, psychologists, and others in related fields—to be not only an impediment to success but a precursor to issues that can have wide-reaching effects on an individual.

More and more evidence is being documented that suggests a strong link between perfectionism and negative attitudes and behaviors. For example, after more than twenty years of research, practicing psychologist and University of British Columbia professor Paul Hewiit, PhD, and his colleague, professor of psychology at York University in Toronto Gordon Flett, PhD, have found that “perfectionism correlates with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems.”

They further argue that while there are different types of perfectionism, no form is without problems.

The Types of Perfectionism

Many researchers, like psychologist Kenneth Rice, PhD, who has written studies for the Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy, believe there are two kinds of perfectionism: adaptive and maladaptive.

Adaptive perfectionism is considered to be “normal” and healthy, a trait where one gets satisfaction from achievements attained through hard work while allowing for the inevitable imperfections that accompany any activity. Adaptive perfectionism can also be viewed as positive perfectionism, in which the person is achievement oriented.

Maladaptive perfectionism is considered to be unhealthy, and is seen in someone who has high personal performance standards and the tendency to be highly self-critical. Furthermore, when something does not go according to plan, a maladaptive perfectionist is likely to develop negative thoughts and feelings. It can also be viewed as negative perfectionism, in which the person is driven by the fear of failure.

Hewitt and Flett believe that while “winning”—be it in sporting, academic, or business endeavors—is important to adaptive and maladaptive perfectionists, failing to do so is considerably more stressful for the latter than it is for the former.

Research shows that such stress can result in consequences such as low self-esteem, Anxiety, and Depression—sometimes so severe that the final result is suicide.

How Perfectionism Manifests Itself

Some perfectionists feel the need to be error-free because of perceived social pressures. They think others will value them only if they are perfect. If they fail to perform to that standard, they can become depressed and suicidal more easily than, say, people who are “other-oriented” perfectionists.

Other-oriented people are not without their struggles, though. What most often presents in them is the tendency to require perfection from their family members, friends, and colleagues. Intimate relationships in particular often suffer when at least one of the partners has this type of perfectionism.

Self-oriented perfectionists, for reasons that are still not entirely clear, are internally motivated to be perfect. People in this group can be fine in low-stress situations but can readily become anxious when serious issues arise. They often have mental health problems, particularly eating disorders and chronic stress.

The Problems with Perfectionism

For many perfectionists, life is a constant evaluation of their own accomplishments, looks, status, etc. It is often a surefire route to low self-worth and unhappiness. Perfectionists tend to have inner voices that call them lazy, useless, or not good enough when they fail to fulfill their standards, whether those standards are self-imposed or imposed by others.

Perfectionists can lead lives in which they’re regularly afraid of private shame or public humiliation for not meeting their own or other’s unrealistic expectations. Often, this can result in high Stress, Anxiety, Depression, and Anorexia in many female self-oriented perfectionists, and even suicide.

What’s Next?

The first steps to correcting a problem are accepting and understanding the problem. With the knowledge of what perfectionism is and how it can manifest in different ways, the next post will provide guidance for how to cope with perfectionist tendencies so that they do not lead to adverse mental and physical health issues.

April 3, 2016 By Suruchi Saini

~ Self-Care, a must investment – Part III ~

Meditation & Stress Management Workshop at Cardio Metabolic Institute, Somerset, NJ

In the previous two posts, we’ve looked at why self-care is a vital aspect of a healthy, fulfilling life, and twenty simple ways to practice it on a daily basis.

Taking time to care for our self allows you to be most effective in caring for others. It gives us energy, high self-esteem and good self-confidence. Self-care leads to self-love, and it’s important to have compassion for our self before trying to have love for others.

Although a lot of us are mired with responsibilities—raising children, fulfilling family obligations, and satisfying work commitments—we must remember to look after ourselves. When we are sound in body and mind, we can better take on nearly anything.

It can be difficult to even consider taking a walk through the neighborhood or having a soak in the bath when your children need you, your family is beckoning, or your job wants to consume all of your time, but it’s important to take time for yourself. It is not selfish, it’s self-love.

Our needs are important, and people we care about need to understand that. Looking after of our self-conveys to others that we value our self, and in turn, that we value others.

To conclude the series on self-care, what follows are the last ten of thirty tips for practicing self-care:

Learn mindfulness. Find a spiritual practice that centers you and helps you feel calm.
If there’s nothing around that makes you laugh organically, forcing yourself to laugh will almost always result in genuine laughter, especially if you do it in front of a friend. I love watching cartoon show, comedy central, puppy/kitten or baby videos every now & then.
Teach someone a skill. Pass on your knowledge to your child, a student, a friend, a family member, or a colleague. Research shows that when we help someone, both sides benefit.
Use a soothing product. Slather any non comedogenic lotion on your skin, infuse a deep-clean treatment into your hair, or apply cream to your dry hands and your cracked feet. My all-time favorite grandma’s suggestion- dab organic milk with cotton ball on your face, let it dry for 10 minutes and simply wash it with plain water. The skin cleanses deeply and becomes baby soft!
Indulge in something sweet. It’s okay to treat yourself to dessert every now and then, as long as you practice moderation. Also, every few months detox your body.
Get a massage. A professional masseuse can work wonders for your stiff neck, your sore back, or your tense shoulders, which can in turn put your mind more at ease.
Dance/Sing. Put on your favorite tunes and bust a move with or without anyone. The endorphins and blood pumping throughout your body will energize and revitalize you.
Comfort your body. Peruse your closet for something soft, made of natural fiber like cotton, warm, or cool; slip it on and relax.
Take a trip. Even if you lack time/funds for an overseas adventure or a short hop to another state, you can spend a few days exploring new areas of your local surroundings.
Do whatever makes you happy. As long as your greatest joy does not harm you or anyone, do it as fervently and as often as you can.

Self-care is about listening to your needs and desires and then acting on them. It’s about being honest with yourself and knowing yourself. It’s about asking others to acknowledge your dreams, your goals, and your wishes. When you work on taking care of yourself, you can be a better parent, spouse, boss, employee, and friend.

Today, I feel not taking care of our self is not an option!!

March 20, 2016 By Suruchi Saini

~ Self-Care, a must investment – Part II ~

Meditation Workshop — Meditation & Stress Management Workshop at Cardio Metabolic Institute, Somerset, NJ

As we discussed in the last post, self-care is incredibly important for mental, emotional, and physical health. Neglecting our well-being can negatively impact the well-being of those around us like our friends, our family members, and our colleagues. While some people might claim that practicing self-care is narcissistic but now we know that benefitting our own state benefits others.

If you’ve ever flown in an airplane, you’ve likely heard the pre-flight announcement that says, in so many words, “In case of an emergency, an air mask will fall down from the compartment above you. Please adjust your own mask first before attending to the needs of your children or seatmates.”

Your children may not be able to figure out their air masks, and if you attempt to help them before your own is in place, you might pass out before you get theirs on. If, however, you calmly secure your own mask first, you will then be conscious and able to assist your children with theirs.

If we are coming apart at the seams mentally and emotionally, we will not be best able to help those whom we love and care about. Showing ourselves love will allow us to show others love, and it will set a good example for our children, who learn a great deal from us and tend to copy our behaviors.

In general, adding self-care habits to your life should not cause you financial hardship, and the next ten suggestions for ways to incorporate self-help into your normal routine are mostly free, although some may require a small amount of money:

When we exercise we release, Serotonin and Dopamine they play a big part in our overall happiness. Engage in a physical activity of your choice—Hatha Yoga, walking, running, swimming, bicycling, Zumba etc.—and put in a solid effort so that your heart rate is elevated and you maybe even start sweating.
Take a class. Think of something that interests you that you don’t normally do, it’ll increase your brain plasticity —learning new language, painting, gardening, cooking, basket weaving, pet agility, etc.—and learn how to do it better.
Help someone. Lend a hand to the woman crossing the street, go shopping for your elderly neighbor, or volunteer at a non-profit organization. By helping someone your Endorphin and Oxytocin levels will increase.
Soak in the bath. Fill your tub with hot water, add in scented bubbles, and relax until your fingers and toes start to become prunes. Water hydrates our skin and is very relaxing.
Pet a dog or a cat. Give love and caresses to a friendly animal, especially if it’s one from your local animal shelter.
Cook for fun. Find a recipe you’ve been wanting to try, and put time and care into making it rather than simply throwing something together in a rush.
Meet a friend. Invite one of your positive, funny pals over for wine and cheese, tea and crackers, or coffee and pastries.
Watch a movie. Check out the latest feel-good flick on Netflix or Hulu, and get lost in an uplifting story for a couple of hours. For me true stories do the trick.
Look at a beautiful photo. Let your eyes linger on a professional photograph or one you took that makes you smile. It helps the brain to relive the happy memories.
Play a game. Go back to the chess board, deal a round of poker for you and your friends, try Solitaire on your computer, or join the kids for an evening of Monopoly.

The third and final post in The Importance of Self-Care series will provide you with ten more ways to add self-care habits to your life, including the easiest one of all, and one anyone can do virtually anywhere, any time.