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Suruchi Saini, MA, LPC, CCTP, TMHP, CYT

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Anger Management

August 13, 2016 By Suruchi Saini

Nobody’s Perfect, and That’s Awesome!

According to Noah Webster, “perfectionism” is “a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.”

While not inaccurate, the dictionary definition does not convey the full depth of the word, its connotations both positive and negative.

In this two-part series, we will look at the different types of perfectionism, how they manifest, signs and symptoms of perfectionism, and how to cope with the consequences that can stem from negative perfectionism.

Is Perfectionism Good or Bad?

Perfectionism is considered by some to be an asset, a healthy motivational tool that helps people achieve success at the highest levels be it in the boardroom, on a Broadway stage, or on an Olympic track.

Conversely, it is deemed by others—including an increasing number of doctors, therapists, psychologists, and others in related fields—to be not only an impediment to success but a precursor to issues that can have wide-reaching effects on an individual.

More and more evidence is being documented that suggests a strong link between perfectionism and negative attitudes and behaviors. For example, after more than twenty years of research, practicing psychologist and University of British Columbia professor Paul Hewiit, PhD, and his colleague, professor of psychology at York University in Toronto Gordon Flett, PhD, have found that “perfectionism correlates with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems.”

They further argue that while there are different types of perfectionism, no form is without problems.

The Types of Perfectionism

Many researchers, like psychologist Kenneth Rice, PhD, who has written studies for the Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy, believe there are two kinds of perfectionism: adaptive and maladaptive.

Adaptive perfectionism is considered to be “normal” and healthy, a trait where one gets satisfaction from achievements attained through hard work while allowing for the inevitable imperfections that accompany any activity. Adaptive perfectionism can also be viewed as positive perfectionism, in which the person is achievement oriented.

Maladaptive perfectionism is considered to be unhealthy, and is seen in someone who has high personal performance standards and the tendency to be highly self-critical. Furthermore, when something does not go according to plan, a maladaptive perfectionist is likely to develop negative thoughts and feelings. It can also be viewed as negative perfectionism, in which the person is driven by the fear of failure.

Hewitt and Flett believe that while “winning”—be it in sporting, academic, or business endeavors—is important to adaptive and maladaptive perfectionists, failing to do so is considerably more stressful for the latter than it is for the former.

Research shows that such stress can result in consequences such as low self-esteem, Anxiety, and Depression—sometimes so severe that the final result is suicide.

How Perfectionism Manifests Itself

Some perfectionists feel the need to be error-free because of perceived social pressures. They think others will value them only if they are perfect. If they fail to perform to that standard, they can become depressed and suicidal more easily than, say, people who are “other-oriented” perfectionists.

Other-oriented people are not without their struggles, though. What most often presents in them is the tendency to require perfection from their family members, friends, and colleagues. Intimate relationships in particular often suffer when at least one of the partners has this type of perfectionism.

Self-oriented perfectionists, for reasons that are still not entirely clear, are internally motivated to be perfect. People in this group can be fine in low-stress situations but can readily become anxious when serious issues arise. They often have mental health problems, particularly eating disorders and chronic stress.

The Problems with Perfectionism

For many perfectionists, life is a constant evaluation of their own accomplishments, looks, status, etc. It is often a surefire route to low self-worth and unhappiness. Perfectionists tend to have inner voices that call them lazy, useless, or not good enough when they fail to fulfill their standards, whether those standards are self-imposed or imposed by others.

Perfectionists can lead lives in which they’re regularly afraid of private shame or public humiliation for not meeting their own or other’s unrealistic expectations. Often, this can result in high Stress, Anxiety, Depression, and Anorexia in many female self-oriented perfectionists, and even suicide.

What’s Next?

The first steps to correcting a problem are accepting and understanding the problem. With the knowledge of what perfectionism is and how it can manifest in different ways, the next post will provide guidance for how to cope with perfectionist tendencies so that they do not lead to adverse mental and physical health issues.

Filed Under: Anger Management, Anxiety, Articles, Holistic Living, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Parenting, Relationships, Stress Management

April 3, 2016 By Suruchi Saini

~ Self-Care, a must investment – Part III ~

Meditation & Stress Management Workshop at Cardio Metabolic Institute, Somerset, NJ
Meditation & Stress Management Workshop at Cardio Metabolic Institute, Somerset, NJ

In the previous two posts, we’ve looked at why self-care is a vital aspect of a healthy, fulfilling life, and twenty simple ways to practice it on a daily basis.

Taking time to care for our self allows you to be most effective in caring for others. It gives us energy, high self-esteem and good self-confidence. Self-care leads to self-love, and it’s important to have compassion for our self before trying to have love for others.

Although a lot of us are mired with responsibilities—raising children, fulfilling family obligations, and satisfying work commitments—we must remember to look after ourselves. When we are sound in body and mind, we can better take on nearly anything.

It can be difficult to even consider taking a walk through the neighborhood or having a soak in the bath when your children need you, your family is beckoning, or your job wants to consume all of your time, but it’s important to take time for yourself. It is not selfish, it’s self-love.

Our needs are important, and people we care about need to understand that. Looking after of our self-conveys to others that we value our self, and in turn, that we value others.

To conclude the series on self-care, what follows are the last ten of thirty tips for practicing self-care:

  1. Learn mindfulness. Find a spiritual practice that centers you and helps you feel calm.
  2. If there’s nothing around that makes you laugh organically, forcing yourself to laugh will almost always result in genuine laughter, especially if you do it in front of a friend. I love watching cartoon show, comedy central, puppy/kitten or baby videos every now & then.
  3. Teach someone a skill. Pass on your knowledge to your child, a student, a friend, a family member, or a colleague. Research shows that when we help someone, both sides benefit.
  4. Use a soothing product. Slather any non comedogenic lotion on your skin, infuse a deep-clean treatment into your hair, or apply cream to your dry hands and your cracked feet. My all-time favorite grandma’s suggestion- dab organic milk with cotton ball on your face, let it dry for 10 minutes and simply wash it with plain water. The skin cleanses deeply and becomes baby soft!
  5. Indulge in something sweet. It’s okay to treat yourself to dessert every now and then, as long as you practice moderation. Also, every few months detox your body.
  6. Get a massage. A professional masseuse can work wonders for your stiff neck, your sore back, or your tense shoulders, which can in turn put your mind more at ease.
  7. Dance/Sing. Put on your favorite tunes and bust a move with or without anyone. The endorphins and blood pumping throughout your body will energize and revitalize you.
  8. Comfort your body. Peruse your closet for something soft, made of natural fiber like cotton, warm, or cool; slip it on and relax.
  9. Take a trip. Even if you lack time/funds for an overseas adventure or a short hop to another state, you can spend a few days exploring new areas of your local surroundings.
  10. Do whatever makes you happy. As long as your greatest joy does not harm you or anyone, do it as fervently and as often as you can.

Self-care is about listening to your needs and desires and then acting on them. It’s about being honest with yourself and knowing yourself. It’s about asking others to acknowledge your dreams, your goals, and your wishes. When you work on taking care of yourself, you can be a better parent, spouse, boss, employee, and friend.

Today, I feel not taking care of our self is not an option!!

Filed Under: Anger Management, Anxiety, Articles, Events, Holistic Living, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Neuroscience, Relationships, Stress Management, Yoga Philosophy

March 5, 2016 By Suruchi Saini

~ Self-Care, a must investment – Part I ~

Meditation & Stress Management Workshop at Cardio Metabolic Institute, Somerset, NJ
Meditation & Stress Management Workshop at Cardio Metabolic Institute, Somerset, NJ

When we have an aching tooth, we’ll usually visit the dentist and have it taken care of. If we feel flu symptoms coming on, we’ll typically go to the doctor and get antibiotics. So when we feel stressed, anxious, or depressed, why is it that we so often do nothing to help ourselves, or if we do, why do we usually wait until the burden is nearly too much to bear rather than taking preventative measures?

We often cite a lack of time or the feeling of selfishness as reasons for not tending to our emotional and mental needs, but self-care is neither narcissistic nor does it have to be a big time commitment. While juggling work with raising kids, for example, can make it hard to fit in personal time, it’s an essential ingredient to good overall health.

Self-care is an important factor in maintaining stable relationships, creating a balance between your rational mind and your emotional mind, and boosting your self-confidence and self-esteem, and it’s vital for your mental and physical well-being.

The benefits of practicing self-care are numerous and substantial, and there are plenty of things we can do on a daily basis to help ourselves before the metaphorical weight on our shoulders, our hearts, and our minds threatens to crush us.

In conjunction with my 12-week Mediation & Stress Management program at the Cardio Metabolic Institute in NJ, this post and the next two will provide you with habits you can incorporate into your day-to-day routine in an effort to minimize your negative energy and set you on the course to a happier and healthier life.

The first ten habits cost nothing, and are good investments of little time and effort for life:

  1. Take a timeout. Spend thirty minutes, by yourself, doing something you enjoy that’s in no way related to work, family, or social obligations. If you are a very busy person then you need to practice this for 40 minutes. Yes that’s what’s needed.
  2. Find a quiet place, either at home or in nature, sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and focus solely on your breath. If you feel distracted, redirect your mind by saying “Oh Well” as many times as you need to. With the time, the gap between “Oh Wells” will decrease just keep trying.
  3. Write in a journal. Take few minutes daily to write what ever come to your mind without stopping the pen. No need to articulate or correct yourself, just keep writing your thoughts/emotions/words. Also, jot down something you like about yourself, something you accomplished, and something for which you are grateful.
  4. Power nap. Lower the lid on your laptop, turn your cell phone to silent, and snooze for twenty to thirty minutes. People who take power naps, process information better; have better memory & focus, and are less stressed.
  5. Escape in the latest fantasy book, romance novel, or an autobiography of a person you admire, your local library recently added to its shelves. When we read something that we enjoy, various parts of the brain get activated which release the “happy chemicals”
  6. De-clutter your internal & external environment. Since external seems easier for most people, let’s start with your pocketbook/wallet; your kitchen; your car; your desk and then of course select a few items from your closet or your drawers that you haven’t used in a year or two and donate them to Goodwill. For internal cleansing Meditation is a good start, its totally worth it.
  7. Practice yoga in its completeness. Yoga has eight Limbs. However you may start with the third limb as it is more popular in the West, called Asnas, the physical/exercise part of Yoga. It is important that you do under a guidance of a Guru or a teacher. If you don’t know about sun salutation or downward facing dog, YouTube is a wonderful source for information.
  8. Give yourself credit. When you succeed at something, major or minor, pat yourself on the back and tell yourself you did a great job, start talking to your brain.
  9. Go for a stroll. Whether it’s around your block or through the woods, walk at a pace that’s relaxing and comfortable. Make sure your head is straight while walking and that you are wearing appropriate shoes. Walking posture needs to be accurate.
  10. Watch the sunrise/sunset. Life depends on the Sun. Wherever you are, try to observe the sunrise, it gives you energy to go on with the day. When Sun sets, it calms you down and prepares your body’s natural rhythm to go back to sleep.

Look for the next blog post, which will have ten more recommendations for how to practice self-care.

Filed Under: Anger Management, Anxiety, Articles, Events, Holistic Living, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Neuroscience, Relationships, Stress Management, Yoga Philosophy

January 10, 2016 By Suruchi Saini

Mental Illness – Is it a stigma?

Serenity

Mental illnesses can present themselves in myriad ways and at differing ages. Some people may exhibit behaviors typically associated with autism as a small child, while others may not show signs of being affected by the disorder until adolescence. Some people may enjoy sober lives for decades, but once they have their first taste of alcohol, they discover they have an addiction for it and a subsequent dependence on it.

Some disorders, like dyslexia and epilepsy, are more highly correlated to genetics, while others, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and postpartum depression, are generally considered to be effects of environmental factors.

Regardless of the type of affliction or the age of onset, most mental illnesses have at least one thing in common: they carry a stigma.

The website, www.dictionary.com, defines stigma as “a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one’s reputation”.

According to studies conducted in 2014 by the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration, 18 percent of adults in the U.S. suffer from a mental illness. The lengthy list includes anxiety, insomnia, Tourette syndrome, claustrophobia and a wealth of other issues that can be immensely debilitating.

More than 9 million American adults are affected by some mental illness to the point where their work lives and social lives are greatly inhibited.

On the positive side, treatments have shown to be successful for 60, 70 and 80 percent of people who suffer from schizophrenia, depression and Bipolar Disorder respectively.

However, less than a third of people with mental illnesses receive treatment.

If treatment can be so effective, why do the majority of people with mental illnesses not seek it? In a word: stigma.

Many people with mental illnesses believe they will be called “crazy”, and they fear repercussions like job loss and the cessation of relationships that are often accompanied by such a diagnosis and subsequent label.

The notion that mental illnesses carry a stigma is real. According to the aforementioned study, citizens not diagnosed with a mental illness commonly see those with issues in a negative light. More than 40 percent say a person with a history of mental illness should be excluded from public office, and that same percentage thinks major depression is “the result of a lack of will power”. More than 60 percent believe the way to treat major depression is to simply “pull yourself together”.

With survey results like these, it is no surprise that few people seek help. The mere act of seeking help acknowledges that a problem might exist, and that acknowledgement alone can be as disruptive to someone’s life as the mental illness itself.

The best way to help combat the stigma associated with mental illnesses is to understand that mental illnesses come in a variety of forms, and they affect people of all ages, ethnicities, economic levels, social status levels, backgrounds and upbringings.

It is also essential to realize that, in the majority of cases, treatment is effective and should be sought.

For further information, please go to NAMI, DBSA, NIMH, SAMHIN, and SAMHAJ.

Filed Under: Anger Management, Anxiety, Articles, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Stress Management

October 11, 2015 By Suruchi Saini

The (un)authenticity…

Suruchi Saini, MA, LPC, NCC, CCTP

We learned to learn but forgot to apply
We learned to compete but forgot to help
We learned to manage but forgot to lead
We learned to look outside but forgot to look within
We learned to look at people but forgot to look inside them
We learned to blame others but forgot to take responsibility
We learned to get upset but forgot to have compassion
We learned to watch TV but forgot to observe nature
We learned to act faster but forgot to slow down
We learned to build communities but forgot to hold hands
We learned to show confidence but forgot to be grateful
We learned not to feel emotions but forgot to be happy and/or sad
We learned to become the result but forgot to become the purpose
We learned to create wealth and forgot to enjoy good health

As we evolved, we made and learned many things over the years. We made progress in some areas but forgot for whom the progress was made – us

Let’s unlearn what is not natural and make authenticity/happiness our priority!!!

Filed Under: Anger Management, Articles, Holistic Living, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Relationships, Stress Management, Yoga Philosophy

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