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Suruchi Saini, MA, LPC, CCTP, TMHP, CYT

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Parenting

August 13, 2016 By Suruchi Saini

Nobody’s Perfect, and That’s Awesome!

According to Noah Webster, “perfectionism” is “a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.”

While not inaccurate, the dictionary definition does not convey the full depth of the word, its connotations both positive and negative.

In this two-part series, we will look at the different types of perfectionism, how they manifest, signs and symptoms of perfectionism, and how to cope with the consequences that can stem from negative perfectionism.

Is Perfectionism Good or Bad?

Perfectionism is considered by some to be an asset, a healthy motivational tool that helps people achieve success at the highest levels be it in the boardroom, on a Broadway stage, or on an Olympic track.

Conversely, it is deemed by others—including an increasing number of doctors, therapists, psychologists, and others in related fields—to be not only an impediment to success but a precursor to issues that can have wide-reaching effects on an individual.

More and more evidence is being documented that suggests a strong link between perfectionism and negative attitudes and behaviors. For example, after more than twenty years of research, practicing psychologist and University of British Columbia professor Paul Hewiit, PhD, and his colleague, professor of psychology at York University in Toronto Gordon Flett, PhD, have found that “perfectionism correlates with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems.”

They further argue that while there are different types of perfectionism, no form is without problems.

The Types of Perfectionism

Many researchers, like psychologist Kenneth Rice, PhD, who has written studies for the Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy, believe there are two kinds of perfectionism: adaptive and maladaptive.

Adaptive perfectionism is considered to be “normal” and healthy, a trait where one gets satisfaction from achievements attained through hard work while allowing for the inevitable imperfections that accompany any activity. Adaptive perfectionism can also be viewed as positive perfectionism, in which the person is achievement oriented.

Maladaptive perfectionism is considered to be unhealthy, and is seen in someone who has high personal performance standards and the tendency to be highly self-critical. Furthermore, when something does not go according to plan, a maladaptive perfectionist is likely to develop negative thoughts and feelings. It can also be viewed as negative perfectionism, in which the person is driven by the fear of failure.

Hewitt and Flett believe that while “winning”—be it in sporting, academic, or business endeavors—is important to adaptive and maladaptive perfectionists, failing to do so is considerably more stressful for the latter than it is for the former.

Research shows that such stress can result in consequences such as low self-esteem, Anxiety, and Depression—sometimes so severe that the final result is suicide.

How Perfectionism Manifests Itself

Some perfectionists feel the need to be error-free because of perceived social pressures. They think others will value them only if they are perfect. If they fail to perform to that standard, they can become depressed and suicidal more easily than, say, people who are “other-oriented” perfectionists.

Other-oriented people are not without their struggles, though. What most often presents in them is the tendency to require perfection from their family members, friends, and colleagues. Intimate relationships in particular often suffer when at least one of the partners has this type of perfectionism.

Self-oriented perfectionists, for reasons that are still not entirely clear, are internally motivated to be perfect. People in this group can be fine in low-stress situations but can readily become anxious when serious issues arise. They often have mental health problems, particularly eating disorders and chronic stress.

The Problems with Perfectionism

For many perfectionists, life is a constant evaluation of their own accomplishments, looks, status, etc. It is often a surefire route to low self-worth and unhappiness. Perfectionists tend to have inner voices that call them lazy, useless, or not good enough when they fail to fulfill their standards, whether those standards are self-imposed or imposed by others.

Perfectionists can lead lives in which they’re regularly afraid of private shame or public humiliation for not meeting their own or other’s unrealistic expectations. Often, this can result in high Stress, Anxiety, Depression, and Anorexia in many female self-oriented perfectionists, and even suicide.

What’s Next?

The first steps to correcting a problem are accepting and understanding the problem. With the knowledge of what perfectionism is and how it can manifest in different ways, the next post will provide guidance for how to cope with perfectionist tendencies so that they do not lead to adverse mental and physical health issues.

Filed Under: Anger Management, Anxiety, Articles, Holistic Living, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Parenting, Relationships, Stress Management

January 23, 2016 By Suruchi Saini

10 tips for parenting the right way!

Suruchi Saini, MA, LPC, NCC, CCTPMost of us will agree that raising children can be incredibly difficult, perhaps the most difficult task in life. We know that all children are different—from each other as well as from their parents, even if they share some of the genetic makeup of both sets of Grandparents, Mom, Dad, Sister, or Brother. There is no set way to raise children, no one parenting style that works for every parent and every child. There are, however, tips that professionals and parents alike deem reliable and valuable in most scenarios, with most children.

  1. Respect the child. Every child is an individual first and then our child. We need to respect that individuality. Of course we are related to them; we take care of them because we bring them in this world. Instead of giving commands to them to turn into somebody that we are familiar with, we simply need to embrace them as who they are. Please make sure that we guide them according to their needs, not ours.
  2. Set a Good Example. While the nature versus nurture debate will likely never be settled, it cannot be denied that the way we raise our children has a large effect on how the children turn out. Children learn from what they see, especially when they are very young, and they are great imitators. It is important for parents to model the traits we would like to see in our children.
  3. Reward Children for Being Good. It is all too easy to catch children misbehaving and then react accordingly—usually by scolding or punishing them. A more effective approach, however, is to take notice when children are doing something right or good and then praise them for that behavior. Positive reinforcement results in continued positive actions.
  4. Spend Time with Your Children. We are often busy with work, trying to get food on the table, cleaning the house, running errands, etc., but it is important for children to know their parents are willing to make time for them. Sometimes we need to re-organize their social/professional engagements, sleep schedules and personal time in order to be involved in our children’s lives.
  5. Create and Uphold Rules. Teaching a child at a young age how to behave appropriately will enable that child to know how to behave later in life. With young kids especially, we should know where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing.
  6. Be Consistent. Rules need to stay the same each day, and they should be routinely enforced. Children can become confused when rules depend on which parent is administering them and if they vary on a daily or weekly basis.
  7. Provide Presence Instead of Presents. Children benefit more from (positive) attention, praise, love, and doing activities than they do from receiving material items. If we are away often or for extended periods of time, we need to make a point to be more involved in our children’s lives rather than merely offer toys, games, and treats in their place.
  8. Allow Children to be Independent. While children need direction and parental guidance, they also need to learn from making mistakes and be comfortable in doing things without any assistance. We always need to provide support but also let the children take control of their own lives and take responsibility for their own actions. Once in a while ask them how to solve a certain problem. You’ll be surprised that they can come up with such a simple solutions that we adults can’t even think of. Try!
  9. Avoid Harsh Punishment. Nobody should never use physical violence to correct a child’s behavior, no matter how egregious the child’s actions may be. Considerable evidence shows a correlation between children who are hit, slapped, or spanked by their parents, have increased likelihood of fighting with other children and being aggressive later in life. According to Neuroscience studies, it damages them for life.
  10. Mold Your Parenting to Fit Your Child. Every child learns differently and develops at a different rate. Children will most benefit from parenting styles that are personalized to fit their unique requirements, especially as they age and their needs change.

 Let’s not forget to take care of ourselves as well. Also, we need to continue to grow along with our growing children. There have been ample studies to prove that the children of stressed out and anxious parents suffer with many emotional, behavioral and social problems, especially when children are in their teens and in their mid 40s-50s. Be the source of love; comfort; wisdom & safety for your children!

Filed Under: Anxiety, Articles, Holistic Living, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Parenting, Relationships, Stress Management, Yoga Philosophy

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