Holistic Bonfire

Suruchi Saini, MA, LPC, CCTP, TMHP, CYT

Mindfulness

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Anger Management with Mindfulness

Suruchi Saini, MA, LPC, NCC, CCTPWhat is Anger?

First, let’s understand what is Anger. Anger is considered one of the primary emotions along with Happiness, Fear, Love, and Sadness. Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. As human beings, we will feel this emotion every now and then just like any other emotion. Its a common problem among us no matter who we are, and which developmental stage of life we are in. Few reasons that make us angry are:

  • unable to express ourselves
  • can’t stand up for ourselves
  • can’t say “No” appropriately
  • feel defeated
  • feel insufficient
  • feel rejected
  • feel disrespected

It is important to understand the three ways that we manifest anger before we learn to manage it with the help of Mindfulness:

  1. Physical expression:  muscles tensing, racing  heart, having high blood pressure, and breathing heavily
  2. Cognitive expression: Perceiving and thinking about our experiences in inappropriate ways, feeling of unfairness or that wrong was done to us (“I deserved better”)
  3. Behavioral expression: Slamming doors, clenching fists, raising our voice, or any other threatening gesture

There is nothing wrong with feeling angry due to a real or perceived negative action of others, after all it is a primary emotion. However, the inability to recognize anger and manage it appropriately (response vs reaction) is unacceptable. This emotion surfaces whenever there is a trigger in our surrounding. We have to figure out a way to recognize these triggers (and their root causes). Mindfulness can surely help!!

Mindfulness

Do you ever wonder how certain individuals remain calm or in control? I can tell you that those people have been practicing Mindfulness as a tool to respond to their triggers along with other coping skills. They have also made mindful efforts to build their self-esteem. We can do that as well!

Practicing mindfulness is being aware of ourselves, our surroundings and others; it’s one of the best tools to keep calm and stay in control. Read more about Mindfulness in my previous blog.

Being mindful we understand the difference between our reaction or response to any trigger. An example of a response, when angry instead of flipping out or harming ourselves or others, we can remove ourselves from the situation or/and  talk to a reliable person. We feel better while venting and eventually can focus on our problems, dissect them, and find solutions. On the other hand, when we mindlessly react, we loose control on ourselves and eventually the situation makes us angrier. Many cases of accidents, road rage, crime, abuse, or violence are result of mismanaged anger. We can manage it by practicing Mindfulness in our daily lives.

Mindfulness helps us get in touch with ourselves and recognizing that we may not be managing the emotion of anger. If you have already recognized it then you will want to know what are the triggers causing anger. Once you are clear, start working on yourself Mindfully. Look for antidotes for your triggers, reach out for help, and practice mindfulness by slowing down; observing; meditating and remembering to use coping skills until they become your habit.

Feel free to email me if you have any questions or comments.

 

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Be Yourself

Suruchi_SAMHAJ

Speaking at SAMHAJ/NAMI event on June 4, 2015 was another wonderful experience. People came from all walks of life with questions in their minds ranging from “who am I”, “why I am unable to control my mind”, “why I am unable to communicate with my children or my partner” and “why I am still not happy after working so hard”.

States of mind

During the event, we explored the various stages of human being and the obstacles we face in them. We also discussed about our different states of mind which according to Yoga Philosophy are – “Tamas”(Unconscious; ignorant; negative; injure others; sluggish), “Rajas”(Conscious; active; reason, seeks power & pleasure), “Sattva”(Super conscious; very active; powerful; one with everything; serene; content; happy). At times when we are in a particular state of mind, we may find it difficult to understand others who are in a different state of mind than ours. That’s why knowledge of these three states of mind and being Mindful is extremely important.

Roles in Life

Later we discussed that we are born as “Spiritual Beings”- happy; peaceful; loving; contented but while playing different roles as children; siblings; partners; parents; grandparents; friends; employees; bosses; business owners and so on, most of the times we get disconnected with our real self. All these roles take us away from our Spiritual self because we put in so many efforts in all of these roles to do well in life which is generally expected. However we forget to feed in or make efforts to take care of our Real Self. Result, an unnatural life style leading to internal and external chaos; superficiality; stress leading to numbness/disconnection.

Yoga Philosophy, Mindfulness and Neuroscience have many tools to help you to connect with yourself again. To begin with, start Meditation 5-10 min/day, initially with music and later without it.

First step to make a change

People mentioned that it’s difficult to have that kind of discipline, I disagreed. Disciplining is easy because we have been doing this since childhood, the difficult part is making it a priority in our thoughts. After that all we have to do is follow our thoughts!!

Dear reader, if for some reasons, you can’t do that initially, seek help. It’s even more important for you to do it. It’s often mentioned that everybody needs to meditate for 20 minutes daily, and if you are too busy to do this, then you should do it for about an hour!!!

Figure out your way to find your “Real self”. All the acquired roles can give you pleasure for some time but the “Happiness” will come from within you, when you are your most natural. Be yourself!!!

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~ Liberation Again ~

Suruchi Saini, MA, LPC, NCC, CCTPThe morning calmness stills me

The life begins again,

A new beginning, a new thought

Feel like a new person again,

Someone stands up for a cause

A new leader is born again,

Someone apologizes genuinely

Love is retained again,

Someone forgives someone

Freedom of human spirit returns again,

Someone comes back to a dear one

A relationship is restored again,

A child is born somewhere

A mother is born, again,

Have achieved the status of an adult

I am a child’s spirit again,

When someone reconnects with nature

It takes my breath away again,

One more time I feel the bliss

Sun, Air, Water, Earth, and Fire are beautiful again,

It’s a new day

And it’s full of life again.

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Interpersonal Skills with Mindfulness

Suruchi Saini, MA, LPC, NCC, CCTP

Interpersonal skills (IS) is an art form where you learn how to get along with others whether you are at work, school, home, or with friends. Some people can naturally get along with others and the rest can learn with some support and practice. It is important to be aware of yourself and your surroundings to be able to use your IS appropriately.

That’s where Mindfulness comes in handy! Let’s take a quick look at few benefits of IS.

Benefits of Interpersonal Skills (IS)

The benefits of Interpersonal Skills (IS) will make you do the following:

  • Feel comfortable to express your feelings, beliefs, and principles.
  • Present yourself verbally, mentally, and physically.
  • More open to give and receive compliments
  • Have better boundaries, especially the ability to say, “No” when needed
  • Easily resolve problems and have better ability to work with the consequences.
  • Respect yourself more. People around you take notice and will likely do the same.
  • Less fearful of making friends, meeting acquaintances, networking, facing interviews and above all seeking help when needed.
  • Improve relationships and provide the much needed support in  your personal as well as your professional lives.

Regular Practice of IS with Mindfulness

With Mindfulness, you’ll be able to recognize your feelings and of others especially in an unhealthy environment. Mindful IS helps you to be a good listener. I believe  that most of the people just want to be heard. If you genuinely listen to them, you will win them for good!

When you use IS mindfully, you have more chances to respond than to react, to stay in control and not get too stressed. You’ll be aware of your strengths and weaknesses which can support you to stay open- minded to learn and share at the same time. Mindfulness helps you to be assertive and teachers you when to appropriately use silence.

In other words, when we regularly practice Interpersonal Skills with Mindfulness, it doesn’t remain limited to “being a skill”; it becomes a habit which eventually becomes a way of life and second nature.

Start working on it and Re-discover yourself!

Want to brainstorm ideas or have questions? Contact me!

 

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Exploring Holistic Living

Women's group on June 10 2015

On June 10, 2015, an event was hosted by Bijay Minhas, LCSW where I had an opportunity to meet a group of wonderful women who in spite of their busy schedules as partners; mothers; colleagues; boss; caretaker; friend, got together in Morris Plains, NJ. Together we explored, learned, and shared how and what we can do to rise higher to take care of ourselves first and to help our near and dear ones. The group was very enthusiastic and very interested in “Holistic Living”. I admire them for who they are!!!

We discussed the three states of human mind Tamas (dark, ignorant), Rajas (active, pleasure seeking), Sattva (most powerful, peaceful), and how having knowledge about them can reduce daily psychological, family, and social stresses.

Benefits of meditation

We discussed how meditation can help almost everyone to have more clarity about our thoughts and actions and its effect on ourselves and others around us; to control our mind; to discipline ourselves; to know ourselves; to identify our real priorities; to make realistic goals and take appropriate steps to achieve them, while remaining unattached to them so that we don’t lose our real identity.

Yes goals are important but when we are not at peace from within; we tend to lose our spiritual selves in them or get too attached to them, we feel internal turbulence which eventually starts showing up in all our actions and relationships. In that state of mind, if we happen to succeed in achieving our goals somehow, we may feel pleasure for short term but happiness will continue to elude us.

We also discussed how transitions and traumas make us vulnerable. When we are mindful of our thoughts and actions, and are constantly working on them during daily meditations and self-reflections, we take steps to make it easy to get through them. However when we are on the autopilot or take mindless actions, we become part of the damage-brigade.

Meditation leads to mental and emotional cleansing; recharges our batteries; makes us more patient; helps us find peace and happiness within ourselves which means mental, emotional, spiritual, and social freedom. Above all, meditation helps us to be more accepting; less expecting; more forgiving, and be less judgmental of ourselves and others around us.

Individual and collective evolution will happen any ways. When we are mindful, the process is empowering but when we are mindless, the process becomes exhausting. The choice is ours.