Holistic Bonfire

Suruchi Saini, MA, LPC, CCTP, TMHP, CYT

Stress Management

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10 tips for parenting the right way!

Suruchi Saini, MA, LPC, NCC, CCTPMost of us will agree that raising children can be incredibly difficult, perhaps the most difficult task in life. We know that all children are different—from each other as well as from their parents, even if they share some of the genetic makeup of both sets of Grandparents, Mom, Dad, Sister, or Brother. There is no set way to raise children, no one parenting style that works for every parent and every child. There are, however, tips that professionals and parents alike deem reliable and valuable in most scenarios, with most children.

  1. Respect the child. Every child is an individual first and then our child. We need to respect that individuality. Of course we are related to them; we take care of them because we bring them in this world. Instead of giving commands to them to turn into somebody that we are familiar with, we simply need to embrace them as who they are. Please make sure that we guide them according to their needs, not ours.
  2. Set a Good Example. While the nature versus nurture debate will likely never be settled, it cannot be denied that the way we raise our children has a large effect on how the children turn out. Children learn from what they see, especially when they are very young, and they are great imitators. It is important for parents to model the traits we would like to see in our children.
  3. Reward Children for Being Good. It is all too easy to catch children misbehaving and then react accordingly—usually by scolding or punishing them. A more effective approach, however, is to take notice when children are doing something right or good and then praise them for that behavior. Positive reinforcement results in continued positive actions.
  4. Spend Time with Your Children. We are often busy with work, trying to get food on the table, cleaning the house, running errands, etc., but it is important for children to know their parents are willing to make time for them. Sometimes we need to re-organize their social/professional engagements, sleep schedules and personal time in order to be involved in our children’s lives.
  5. Create and Uphold Rules. Teaching a child at a young age how to behave appropriately will enable that child to know how to behave later in life. With young kids especially, we should know where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing.
  6. Be Consistent. Rules need to stay the same each day, and they should be routinely enforced. Children can become confused when rules depend on which parent is administering them and if they vary on a daily or weekly basis.
  7. Provide Presence Instead of Presents. Children benefit more from (positive) attention, praise, love, and doing activities than they do from receiving material items. If we are away often or for extended periods of time, we need to make a point to be more involved in our children’s lives rather than merely offer toys, games, and treats in their place.
  8. Allow Children to be Independent. While children need direction and parental guidance, they also need to learn from making mistakes and be comfortable in doing things without any assistance. We always need to provide support but also let the children take control of their own lives and take responsibility for their own actions. Once in a while ask them how to solve a certain problem. You’ll be surprised that they can come up with such a simple solutions that we adults can’t even think of. Try!
  9. Avoid Harsh Punishment. Nobody should never use physical violence to correct a child’s behavior, no matter how egregious the child’s actions may be. Considerable evidence shows a correlation between children who are hit, slapped, or spanked by their parents, have increased likelihood of fighting with other children and being aggressive later in life. According to Neuroscience studies, it damages them for life.
  10. Mold Your Parenting to Fit Your Child. Every child learns differently and develops at a different rate. Children will most benefit from parenting styles that are personalized to fit their unique requirements, especially as they age and their needs change.

 Let’s not forget to take care of ourselves as well. Also, we need to continue to grow along with our growing children. There have been ample studies to prove that the children of stressed out and anxious parents suffer with many emotional, behavioral and social problems, especially when children are in their teens and in their mid 40s-50s. Be the source of love; comfort; wisdom & safety for your children!

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Mental Illness – Is it a stigma?

Serenity

Mental illnesses can present themselves in myriad ways and at differing ages. Some people may exhibit behaviors typically associated with autism as a small child, while others may not show signs of being affected by the disorder until adolescence. Some people may enjoy sober lives for decades, but once they have their first taste of alcohol, they discover they have an addiction for it and a subsequent dependence on it.

Some disorders, like dyslexia and epilepsy, are more highly correlated to genetics, while others, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and postpartum depression, are generally considered to be effects of environmental factors.

Regardless of the type of affliction or the age of onset, most mental illnesses have at least one thing in common: they carry a stigma.

The website, www.dictionary.com, defines stigma as “a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one’s reputation”.

According to studies conducted in 2014 by the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration, 18 percent of adults in the U.S. suffer from a mental illness. The lengthy list includes anxiety, insomnia, Tourette syndrome, claustrophobia and a wealth of other issues that can be immensely debilitating.

More than 9 million American adults are affected by some mental illness to the point where their work lives and social lives are greatly inhibited.

On the positive side, treatments have shown to be successful for 60, 70 and 80 percent of people who suffer from schizophrenia, depression and Bipolar Disorder respectively.

However, less than a third of people with mental illnesses receive treatment.

If treatment can be so effective, why do the majority of people with mental illnesses not seek it? In a word: stigma.

Many people with mental illnesses believe they will be called “crazy”, and they fear repercussions like job loss and the cessation of relationships that are often accompanied by such a diagnosis and subsequent label.

The notion that mental illnesses carry a stigma is real. According to the aforementioned study, citizens not diagnosed with a mental illness commonly see those with issues in a negative light. More than 40 percent say a person with a history of mental illness should be excluded from public office, and that same percentage thinks major depression is “the result of a lack of will power”. More than 60 percent believe the way to treat major depression is to simply “pull yourself together”.

With survey results like these, it is no surprise that few people seek help. The mere act of seeking help acknowledges that a problem might exist, and that acknowledgement alone can be as disruptive to someone’s life as the mental illness itself.

The best way to help combat the stigma associated with mental illnesses is to understand that mental illnesses come in a variety of forms, and they affect people of all ages, ethnicities, economic levels, social status levels, backgrounds and upbringings.

It is also essential to realize that, in the majority of cases, treatment is effective and should be sought.

For further information, please go to NAMI, DBSA, NIMH, SAMHIN, and SAMHAJ.

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Are you restless and overwhelmed but have no idea why?

Relaxation

There’s a high chance you’re suffering from anxiety internally even though you are functioning fine externally. Stop living the dual life and working hard for two people when you have energy and resources only for one.

What is anxiety?

Anxiety is state of feeling emotionally and behaviorally frustrated, restless, overwhelmed and tense. Most of us suffer from at least one symptom of anxiety such as lacking the ability to focus, having disturbed sleep, having a fear of failure, lacking the ability to socialize and to have positive relationships, etc.

How is anxiety manifested?

Self-doubt sets in, and maintaining personal, professional and social relationships becomes challenging. It becomes easy to forget minor and major things, and blanking out frequently occurs. This leads to an inability to retain new information or readily learn new skills.

Physical issues start to occur, and there is typically an increase in migraines, headaches, back pain and exhaustion. Breathing often becomes irregular, and sometimes digestive issues can set in.

Emotions become tenuous as well, and sensitivity to criticism becomes heightened. Living a contented life is no longer possible.

Common disorders related to anxiety:

  • Generalize Anxiety Disorder (GAD): The act of worrying about almost everything in life, even without any specific reasons. People who suffer from GAD may frequently visit the doctor, complaining of multiple ailments, but test results yield nothing.
  • Panic Disorder: Having surges of very intense fear—at least one attack a month—without stimuli. Some examples of attacks are a pounding or skipping heartbeat, chest discomfort, trembling, hot/cold flashes, breathlessness, sweating and numbness.
  • Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD): Having unwanted thoughts, images and impulses that must be acted upon like washing hands, cleaning, checking locks, re-arranging furniture, over-exercising, etc.

What can be done?

We don’t have to live with these symptoms, nor do we have to suffer with the frustration of not achieving personal and professional goals. We don’t have to doubt ourselves and our potential simply because we are unable to access it again due to anxiety, and we don’t have to agree with others who say we can’t be successful.

I’m fully aware that eradicating anxiety is a process and will take a considerable amount of time and effort. The earlier we start, the better. We can make small changes and move at a gradual pace.

Over the years, I have seen people make huge changes by investing only a small amount of time, say, two to four hours per month. Many clients have mentioned that reaching out for help and spending about two to four hours per month has been “one of the best investments of time and money”.

I believe we all have the potential, intelligence, wisdom and resources needed to achieve our goals. Due to our own limitations, however, we’re unable to explore them. Once we do, the sky is the limit.

To reach the sky, you must fly—carefully but fearlessly. Anxiety is one of the biggest hindrances to being fearless, so get rid of it as soon as possible.

If anxiety is plaguing your life and holding you back, you can diminish your suffering by investing only two to four hours each month. Those few hours might be the most beneficial to your overall happiness and well-being.

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The (un)authenticity…

Suruchi Saini, MA, LPC, NCC, CCTP

We learned to learn but forgot to apply
We learned to compete but forgot to help
We learned to manage but forgot to lead
We learned to look outside but forgot to look within
We learned to look at people but forgot to look inside them
We learned to blame others but forgot to take responsibility
We learned to get upset but forgot to have compassion
We learned to watch TV but forgot to observe nature
We learned to act faster but forgot to slow down
We learned to build communities but forgot to hold hands
We learned to show confidence but forgot to be grateful
We learned not to feel emotions but forgot to be happy and/or sad
We learned to become the result but forgot to become the purpose
We learned to create wealth and forgot to enjoy good health

As we evolved, we made and learned many things over the years. We made progress in some areas but forgot for whom the progress was made – us

Let’s unlearn what is not natural and make authenticity/happiness our priority!!!

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How often do you use sense of touch to de-stress?

Deer

Today I am going to share about our fifth sense – “Sense of Touch”. Why our sense of touch works and how to use it to de-stress.

We have over 500,000 touch detectors and 200,000 temperature detectors which helps us to feel, and also make us aware of our existence. After birth, we learned about our surroundings and safety by the way we were held by adults around us, at least for the first few months (parents and grandparents pay attention). Later of course in school; college; work, we have to learn new (appropriate) ways to touch.

We naturally crave for a gentle touch! However due to our individualistic life styles and certain man made laws with (due respect), physical proximity among people seems to have decreased over the years. As a result, we have become habituated to not to be too close to people, even to our near and dear ones. Mostly we no longer notice other’s touch. We seem to have become numb.

How it works

Its reversible, to the point where we can feel the touch and also use this sense to de-stress ourselves in daily life.

When stressed and feeling low (even while having low BP), simply rub hands together for few minutes until they are warm, while breathing normally. Now we can use the touch of warm hands in two ways – a) by crossing them in front of our chest and hugging ourselves, or b) by gently pressing our hands on our face for few minutes with our eyes closed. However, if we are feeling anxious or having hyper/racing thoughts or high BP, we put our hands under cold water and then either hug ourselves and/or press hands on our face for few minutes with our eyes closed.

We may use hot or cold hands to help our dear ones – by gently hugging them; by holding their hands with a moderate grip; by putting hands on their shoulder (if they allow of course). Like I mentioned in the beginning, with a gentle touch we get the same feelings that we had after birth, the feeling comfort and our existence.

Few other ways of using sense of touch for comfort – touching soft toy, pet, holding a baby, flowers, plants, soft piece of cloth, clean sheets etc.

When we are less stressed our brain function improves; our bodies perform and appear better; our skin become radiant. Quality of our brain and body chemicals improve, and our energy/vibrations also change.

Don’t we want that? So let’s start paying attention to these five senses and start using them to de-stress ourselves and our loved ones!!

Feel free to write to me, I will be happy to answer your questions.