Holistic Bonfire

Suruchi Saini, MA, LPC, CCTP, TMHP, CYT

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Social Media and Personal Relationships

relationshipThe first installment in the three-part series on how social media affects our health covered the potential negative aspects to our mental health that excessive social media use can yield. This post will explore how the rise of social media has affected personal relationships and what we can do to ensure that we foster fulfilling and meaningful relationships in our hyper-connected world.

How Social Media Has Changed Relationships

Social media, mainly in the form of Facebook, has changed how we interact and communicate with each other at societal and personal levels. By enabling us to connect in a very personal way to long-lost acquaintances, friends, and extended family, our personal lives are easily accessible to anyone within our network.

The average Facebook user has 338 friends. A Gallup poll in 2011 showed that the average American has only nine friends they would consider “close”.

This discrepancy means that the vast majority of our social media connections are superficial. The danger of this is that being connected to so many people who don’t provide any level of fulfillment can be a terrible substitute for deep relationships.

In addition, using Facebook to connect with a friend or family member can prevent meaningful communication from taking place. Instead of a direct phone call, a text message, an email, or a handwritten letter (if you’re old-fashioned), we now simply check our friends’ profile pages. We’ll see where they live and what their life updates are, and we’ll glance through a few pictures.

Aside from “liking” a post or picture, or perhaps writing a comment, that’s the extent of the interaction. This is how “being connected” can breed loneliness.

Social Media and Intimate Relationships

The positive and negative effects social media has on intimate relationships are tougher to fully understand. This is because different generations use social media differently, and online behavior among couples can vary considerably.

A number of studies have been done to determine how social media affects intimate relationships, and one thing is certain: excessive social media use by one part of a couple can lead to problems in the relationship. This can include the partner who is not online feeling excluded.

For older couples who are secure in their marriages, Facebook is less of a problem and more of a connection tool to extended family. However, the younger the couple and the shorter the relationship, the more that excessive Facebook use can breed insecurity, jealousy, or suspicion on behalf of one or both partners.

Is There an Upside?

There are, of course, benefits to using social media such as promoting businesses, getting in touch with long-lost friends, and more. The question is how to use it to create fulfilling, meaningful relationships.

There are steps we can take to make sure we take advantage of the relationship-building benefits of social media without experiencing the negative effects, and those include:

  • Limiting the amount of time we spend on social media
  • Communicating directly with friends to ask questions about their lives instead of periodically checking their profile pages
  • Being careful about what we self-disclose to our social network and remembering that whatever we post can potentially be seen by hundreds of people
  • Being transparent with our romantic partners about our social media activities

With a mindful approach, social media can improve our relationships and connect us with long-lost friends and family members. However, if we’re not careful, excessive and incorrect social media use can lead us to feeling disconnected and lonely as well as negatively impact our personal relationships.

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Effects of Social Media on Mental Health

Suruchi Saini, MA, LPC, NCC, CCTP
Suruchi in meditation pose

Social media has changed the way humans communicate and relate to each other in a significant way. Facebook enables us to connect with high school classmates or extended family in order to stay up-to-date on their lives. Pinterest allows us to discover new ideas related to our interests. Twitter is a global conversation about every topic imaginable. LinkedIn connects professionals and enables prospective employees and employers to learn more about each other. Instagram shares our lives through pictures.

So what’s the downside of these new ways to relate with our friends and family? According to studies, social media use can be considerably detrimental to our mental health.

To understand why, it’s important to think about why we use social media in the first place. While the practicality of connecting with friends and family is the most obvious reason, psychologists have found that our need to “self-disclose” aspects of our lives stems from the same reward system in our brain that makes us feel good while eating food or having sex.

If you write a post on Facebook to announce a new job or post photos of your latest vacation, for example, you wait for “likes”. The more likes you get, the happier, more validated and more important you’re likely to feel. If you fail to get many likes, however, you may feel the opposite.

Social media has specific effects on depression, anxiety, and narcissism that originate beyond mere disappointment over a lack of “likes”, however.

Depression

Facebook, being the most popular social media platform, is used as an “image management” platform, according to psychologists. We use it as a sort of personal public relations page to represent who we are to hundreds of friends, family members, and acquaintances. Studies show there’s a correlation between depression and how extensively Facebook is used to manage our image. So the more time and effort you put into carefully updating your profile page, the more depressed you are likely to be.

However, the severity of depression related to Facebook use depends on how it’s used. Studies show that the more interactive the experience is on Facebook, the less depressing it is. Alternatively, more passive browsing of other people’s profiles or the “news feed” leads to more symptoms of depression.

This makes sense: browsing through other people’s “highlight reels” can cause us to compare our lives to theirs. Inevitably, our lives seem less fulfilling or successful. We fail to take into account the fact that few people show their failures or struggles in such a public way.

Anxiety

Smartphones allow us to access our social media networks anytime, anywhere. This convenience has enabled compulsive behavior.

Social media users of all ages, but especially younger generations, are checking their social media profiles very frequently. Anxiety stems from any interruption or impediment to being able to check social media. An interesting and common symptom of this anxiety is “phantom vibration syndrome”, where people report feeling vibrations from their cell phone even when it’s not in their pocket.

Narcissism

Narcissism is a trait associated with self-importance, fantasies of unlimited power, vanity, excessive self-promotion, and failure to form meaningful relationships. Obviously, social media is a perfect place for somebody with narcissistic personality disorder to flourish.

While those suffering from such a disorder tend to feel happier with increased social media use, it actually exacerbates their condition. In users without the disorder, excessive social media use can contribute to increased narcissism.

Social Media in Moderation

Like most things in life, negative effects can mostly be avoided with mindfulness and moderation. Be aware of how and why you use social media. Also remember that nothing can replace face-to-face interaction with our friends and family members.

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Perfectionist Tendencies and How to Cope with Them

Perfectionism is a person’s desire to achieve flawlessness. It is often accompanied by setting impossibly high standards, and being overly self-critical if those standards are not met. There are both positive and negative aspects of perfectionism, as we saw in the first post of this two-post series, but when it becomes too controlling or too pervasive, it’s important to curb perfectionist tendencies.

Are you a Perfectionist?

PhD Max Belkin says that “perfectionism often stems from childhood experiences with primary caregivers.” Parents especially can become exceedingly dedicated to raising highly accomplished children, and then be critical of their children when they fall below those standards.

Regardless of how you were raised or what you encountered during your formative years, there are many signs that indicate if you’re a perfectionist:

  • You’re quick to find fault in others, yet you also get defensive when you’re criticized.
  • You’re extremely eager to please.
  • You have an all-or-nothing attitude; either you excel in something or you don’t bother with it in the first place.
  • You don’t think there’s room for error.
  • You’re incredibly specific about how things should be done.
  • You procrastinate, waiting for the “right” moment to start something.
  • You set nearly unattainable goals.
  • You become depressed if you fail to achieve your objectives.
  • You often spend much longer on a task than is needed in an effort to perfect it.
  • You aren’t happy even when you succeed; there’s always more to accomplish.

How to Tame Your Perfectionist Ways

If you identified with a number of the common attributes of a person with perfectionist tendencies, there are many steps you can take to cope with this trait. Few of them are following:

  • Acknowledge your positive attributes: make a list of healthy relationships you’re cultivated, things you like about yourself, and meaningful experiences you’ve had.
  • Build relationships with people who value family and community over money, status, and tangible items, the latter of which are commonly seen in an all-or-nothing light.
  • Try to squash the idea that it’s all or nothing, and tell yourself it’s okay to not be the best at something in order to garner respect.
  • Set time limits to help curb your penchant for procrastinating, and know that spending too much time on one thing means you’ll have less time to work on another.
  • Focus on being more patient when others make mistakes, which will likely help you shed your fear of being criticized by others as well as the habit of being overly self-critical when you happen to error.

Looking Forward

It’s not inherently healthy or unhealthy to strive for the best in whatever you do. When correctly approached, such determination can affect positive results. However, if you’re constantly criticizing yourself for not performing up to your lofty, often unrealistic standards, you may develop self-loathing, anxiety, and depression.

It’s great to set goals, and work hard to achieve them, but make sure they’re realistic. And if you fall short, know that it’s okay, and know that perfectionism is more often an impediment to success than it is a helpful factor.

Do your best by all means and do not forget to appreciate yourself often!

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Nobody’s Perfect, and That’s Awesome!

According to Noah Webster, “perfectionism” is “a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.”

While not inaccurate, the dictionary definition does not convey the full depth of the word, its connotations both positive and negative.

In this two-part series, we will look at the different types of perfectionism, how they manifest, signs and symptoms of perfectionism, and how to cope with the consequences that can stem from negative perfectionism.

Is Perfectionism Good or Bad?

Perfectionism is considered by some to be an asset, a healthy motivational tool that helps people achieve success at the highest levels be it in the boardroom, on a Broadway stage, or on an Olympic track.

Conversely, it is deemed by others—including an increasing number of doctors, therapists, psychologists, and others in related fields—to be not only an impediment to success but a precursor to issues that can have wide-reaching effects on an individual.

More and more evidence is being documented that suggests a strong link between perfectionism and negative attitudes and behaviors. For example, after more than twenty years of research, practicing psychologist and University of British Columbia professor Paul Hewiit, PhD, and his colleague, professor of psychology at York University in Toronto Gordon Flett, PhD, have found that “perfectionism correlates with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems.”

They further argue that while there are different types of perfectionism, no form is without problems.

The Types of Perfectionism

Many researchers, like psychologist Kenneth Rice, PhD, who has written studies for the Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy, believe there are two kinds of perfectionism: adaptive and maladaptive.

Adaptive perfectionism is considered to be “normal” and healthy, a trait where one gets satisfaction from achievements attained through hard work while allowing for the inevitable imperfections that accompany any activity. Adaptive perfectionism can also be viewed as positive perfectionism, in which the person is achievement oriented.

Maladaptive perfectionism is considered to be unhealthy, and is seen in someone who has high personal performance standards and the tendency to be highly self-critical. Furthermore, when something does not go according to plan, a maladaptive perfectionist is likely to develop negative thoughts and feelings. It can also be viewed as negative perfectionism, in which the person is driven by the fear of failure.

Hewitt and Flett believe that while “winning”—be it in sporting, academic, or business endeavors—is important to adaptive and maladaptive perfectionists, failing to do so is considerably more stressful for the latter than it is for the former.

Research shows that such stress can result in consequences such as low self-esteem, Anxiety, and Depression—sometimes so severe that the final result is suicide.

How Perfectionism Manifests Itself

Some perfectionists feel the need to be error-free because of perceived social pressures. They think others will value them only if they are perfect. If they fail to perform to that standard, they can become depressed and suicidal more easily than, say, people who are “other-oriented” perfectionists.

Other-oriented people are not without their struggles, though. What most often presents in them is the tendency to require perfection from their family members, friends, and colleagues. Intimate relationships in particular often suffer when at least one of the partners has this type of perfectionism.

Self-oriented perfectionists, for reasons that are still not entirely clear, are internally motivated to be perfect. People in this group can be fine in low-stress situations but can readily become anxious when serious issues arise. They often have mental health problems, particularly eating disorders and chronic stress.

The Problems with Perfectionism

For many perfectionists, life is a constant evaluation of their own accomplishments, looks, status, etc. It is often a surefire route to low self-worth and unhappiness. Perfectionists tend to have inner voices that call them lazy, useless, or not good enough when they fail to fulfill their standards, whether those standards are self-imposed or imposed by others.

Perfectionists can lead lives in which they’re regularly afraid of private shame or public humiliation for not meeting their own or other’s unrealistic expectations. Often, this can result in high Stress, Anxiety, Depression, and Anorexia in many female self-oriented perfectionists, and even suicide.

What’s Next?

The first steps to correcting a problem are accepting and understanding the problem. With the knowledge of what perfectionism is and how it can manifest in different ways, the next post will provide guidance for how to cope with perfectionist tendencies so that they do not lead to adverse mental and physical health issues.

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How Music Affects the Brain – Part 3

TulipsThe Physical Benefits

There is a wealth of evidence that shows the positive influences music has on our mental and emotional states. In this third and final post on the wonderful benefits of music, we’ll look at how it affects us on a physical level.

Music Enhances Exercise

In 1911, a researcher named Leonard Ayres discovered that when bicyclists listened to music, they pedaled faster than they did when they heard only silence. It has since been determined that music has the ability to drown out that inner voice that tells us we’re tired, which can let us work out longer and at higher intensities.

Furthermore, listening to music while exercising can help the body use energy in a more efficient manner. A study conducted in 2012 revealed that bicyclists who listened to music required seven percent less oxygen to do the same amount of work as when they rode in silence. Listening to upbeat music specifically can help your body find more energy.

Finally, music typically reduces muscle tension and improves body movement and coordination, which can enable us to enjoy a broader range of exercise and physical activities.

Less Pain for Music Fans

According to a recent study published in the Journal of Advanced Nursing, “listening to music can reduce chronic pain from a range of painful conditions, including osteoarthritis, disc problems and rheumatoid arthritis, by up to twenty-one percent.”

Moreover, music can help minimize the sensation and distress of chronic pain and postoperative pain. It can also lower the intensity, frequency and duration of migraines and chronic headaches.

“Heart and Soul” is good for the Heart and Soul

Music is heart-healthy, according to research. Based on the musical tempo rather than the style, songs have the capacity to increase or decrease our heart rates. When Italian and British researchers played lively music to young men and women, the participants had higher heart and breathing rates. When they listened to slower, more relaxing music, their heart and breathing rates dropped to mimic the tempo. During random two-minute pauses, the heart and breathing rates of the participants returned to normal.

In addition, The American Society of Hypertension claims that “listening to just thirty minutes of classical, Celtic or raga music every day may significantly reduce high blood pressure”.

Make Music Part of Your Life

Music can help make you physically, mentally, and emotionally healthier. It can increase your concentration, memory recall, productivity, happiness, learning ability, and exercise performance. From babies to seniors, the benefits of listening to or playing music on a routine basis are numerous. It’s not too early or too late to learn how to play an instrument or to incorporate more music into your life.